What does it mean to “come out”?
October 11th was National Coming Out Day! Let’s talk about what it means to come out and what it means when a loved one comes out to you. Coming out is a significant and often transformative process for those who identify as LGBTQ+. At its core, coming out refers to the journey of acknowledging and accepting one’s sexual orientation or gender identity and then sharing that identity with others. This act can range from a deeply personal revelation to a public declaration, and it’s important to understand that each individual’s experience is unique. You might have encountered discussions about “coming out” that seem overly simplistic, judgmental, or even intimidating. The reality is that there isn’t a single way to come out or live openly. There may be some individuals in our lives with whom we wish to share our sexual orientation or gender identity, while there are others with whom we might not feel safe or comfortable disclosing that information. And that’s completely fine!
A Personal Journey
Coming out is not just a single event; lots of folks find themselves coming out many times to many different people, whether it's sharing your identity with a close friend online, confiding in a family member, or telling a partner; it's a multifaceted journey that can evoke a wide array of emotions. Many people feel a mix of fear and anxiety, but also relief and elation as they embrace their true selves. The courage it takes to come out cannot be overstated; it often involves vulnerability and a deep introspection about one’s identity.
The Process of Coming Out
For most, the first step in coming out is acknowledging one’s identity to oneself. This self-acceptance is crucial, as it lays the foundation for sharing that identity with others. After this internal recognition, the next steps often involve sharing with close friends, family, and community members. The timing and method of coming out vary greatly; some may choose to do so quickly, while others take their time.
Navigating Risks and Rewards
Deciding to come out is a highly personal choice that must consider various factors. While coming out can foster deeper connections and a sense of freedom, it also carries risks. Individuals may face potential backlash, emotional upheaval, or even physical danger, depending on their environment and the people in their lives.
Before coming out, it’s vital to weigh the potential consequences. Questions to consider include: Will coming out jeopardize your emotional or financial support from loved ones? Is there a risk of physical harm? Are you facing pressure to conform to expectations? If the answers to these questions lean toward concern, it may be wise to wait or seek additional support before taking this step.
Empowering Your Experience
Ultimately, the decision to come out is yours alone. You have the power to choose how, when, and with whom to share your identity. Many find it helpful to start this journey within supportive communities, whether that be through LGBTQ+ groups, online forums, or trusted friends. Surrounding yourself with understanding individuals can provide the comfort and encouragement needed to navigate this path.
Coming out is a personal journey that can bring immense growth and connection, but it’s also one that should be approached with care and consideration. Remember, you are in charge of your narrative, and your journey is valid—no matter how it unfolds.
What to say/do when someone comes out to you
Your response should depend on your relationship with the person, but there are some universally supportive actions you can take.
Thank Them- Express your appreciation for their trust by saying something like, “Thank you for sharing this with me.” It is a meaningful gift when someone feels confident enough to confide in you. You can also check in on how they feel about sharing this part of their identity.
Ask About Pronouns- If someone comes out as transgender, nonbinary, or gender-diverse, ask which pronouns they use. Use “use” rather than “prefer,” as the latter implies that correct pronoun usage is optional rather than essential. Pro-tip: It’s helpful to ask people about their pronouns in everyday situations, not just after they come out. Sharing your own pronouns can also create an inclusive environment.
Show Support- Inquire about how they would like to be supported, as some may want ongoing support while others prefer to move on. Remember not to act surprised, as this can imply that you didn’t consider their queerness or trans identity as a possibility. It’s also okay to ask about their coming out journey and what it has been like for them, but don’t get offended if they do not want to elaborate.
Offer Them a Way Out- If you want to ask about their identity, ensure they know they aren’t obligated to answer. Phrases like, “Is it okay if I ask you about this?” can help. Providing context for your questions can also be beneficial—for instance, explaining your interest based on a similar experience, while remembering not to make it about you.
Use Ring Theory- If you’re grappling with emotions about someone’s coming out, it’s important not to place that burden on them.
What NOT to say/do when someone comes out to you
Avoid Outing- When someone confides in you about their LGBTQ+ identity, never share that information with others without their explicit permission. Respect their right to control their own narrative, as outing someone can have serious repercussions in their personal and professional lives. Instead, aim to be a confidential and safe person for them, recognizing that coming out is a deeply personal choice and that being entrusted with this information is a privilege.
Respect Privacy- Don’t pry into details that haven’t been voluntarily shared. Maintain a respectful distance regarding their journey unless they invite you in. Avoid overly personal questions that might make them uncomfortable. Allow them to share at their own pace, try using open-ended questions such as, “Would you like to share more about how you’re feeling?” This approach empowers them to control their narrative while ensuring they feel supported.
Focus on Identity, Not Sexuality- Keep the conversation centered on their identity rather than sexual preferences or activities. Coming out is about identity, not just sexuality. Recognizing that sexual orientation and gender identity are fundamental to a person’s sense of self helps create a respectful and affirming environment.
Don’t Dismiss Their Experience- Avoid minimizing their journey with comments that suggest “it’s just a phase” or “that you always knew”. Such remarks can be dismissive and belittling. Instead, acknowledge the significance of their disclosure and affirm their feelings. Show genuine curiosity and empathy, asking how you can best support them during this time.
Steer Clear of Negativity- Even if you’re struggling with the news, refrain from expressing doubts or negative feelings in response to their coming out. Manage your emotions privately and don’t impose them on the person who is sharing with you. If needed, seek support from other allies or professionals to process your feelings, ensuring that you prioritize the emotional safety and well-being of the person who has confided in you, it most likely wasn't easy for them.
“Coming Out?” vs. “Letting In?”
Letting in is an intentional act—a way to invite others into our inner world. It’s about choosing whom to share our truth with, rather than feeling pressured to present a polished narrative of our identities. This process acknowledges that our experiences are complex and can't always be put into simple statements or singular moments. When we let others in, we exercise the power of choice. It’s a way to engage in meaningful relationships, allowing us to decide who deserves a glimpse of our authentic selves. This choice empowers us, giving us agency over our stories and how we share them. Opening up can profoundly affect our lives. It has the potential to foster closer relationships and build trust. Yet, we must weigh this against the risks involved. Being selective about whom we let in can protect us while still allowing us to cultivate meaningful connections.Ultimately, letting in is about creating space for ourselves and others. It’s an invitation to explore the complexities of our identities and relationships. By choosing to let in those who align with our needs for safety and comfort, we embark on a journey of authentic connection, one shared moment at a time.
Resources
Parents: Tips for supporting your LGBTQ+ child and yourself during the coming-out process
The Coming out Handbook- The Trevor Project
“Coming Out?” or “Letting In?”: Recasting the LGBTQ+ Narrative
“Coming Out?” vs. “Letting In?”: Living & Sharing Truth
Support Hotlines
The Trevor Project: (866) 488-7386
The LGBT National Hotline: (888) 843-4564
The Transgender Crisis Hotline: (877) 565-8860
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
